well.

What do you want?

I want to curl my fingers round my shoulders, tightly till you can see the blood squeezed through my skin. I want to shake my body violently, repeating that question, what is it do you really want?

It feels not too long ago when I was sitting in humid class room, just a little right from the nearest fan screaming at myself to turn my focus towards the teacher in the front. Then, I thought surely I was going to end up somewhere different, somewhere special. I was battling my inner securities and my outwardly different interests. The world was both so big and so small at the same time, my 16 year old mind could not see the vast landscape it beheld. In a few blinks I am back in the same city wondering how I end up like this, sitting in front of my couch with a bachelors that I never thought I'd take. 

I think I graduated in something I can't quite care about that much. But then sometimes, I do.

6 years later I'm asking the exact same question non the wiser. How do I go forward? How is it that some people show close to zero struggle in accepting their call towards their chosen profession. How is it that some others can't quite give a damn what they do. How is it that my battle can seem so eternal, and that my passion not quite strong enough, my talent not quite eminent enough, yet my doubt can never go away.   

6 years I tried to forget, to decipher the code that lies somewhere in the deep corners of my heart. When people ask me what of the future my answer is I don't know, because I truly don't. Sometimes I fear I will never reach my answer. But time will be the only answer and I won't dwell too long on that. This odd sensation of being happy and not quite knowing what in the world seems to be the cage I am caught a prisoner in.

Carpe diem.

I have both been able and not been able to do it. 

My life is a constant contradiction. 

Vienna, wealthiness in its most tangible form...

I was given the liberty to travel around after my graduation ceremony (yes I am now a graduate, and unemployed, and lost, and confused for that matter...) though not as long as I would have liked. But I'll take something over nothing anyday, and my first stop was Vienna.

Vienna as known to most people, is the capital of music. It is where many famous composers of the past have traversed around in the peak of their careers. It is also where Mozart and Vivaldi died in tragic loneliness in graves with locations unknown somewhere in the city. 

My one goal was to catch a performance and preferably by the Philharmonic Orchestra. Alas, it was not to be due to my indecision, my stinginess, and my short sightedness. But perhaps it was not meant to be cause none of the programme really excited me. 

I was in the city at a time a heatwave swarmed through Europe, making having a good time extremely hard. Nonetheless, Vienna is pretty as a pin sitting on the right breast jacket of a first lady, primed and proper to the utmost perfection. It is a city with walls oozing with wealth and roads that glitters with richness. Every building is a sight on its own, making every other European city I've visited pale in comparison. Makes me wonder what the city has done to achieve such opulence. 

Spend two days here and it is enough to cover all the major sights of the city. Among the more memorable is the Schonnbrunn Palace where I attended an Apple Strudel show. Furthermore, their Westbahnhof (train station) has got to be one of the best stations I've been to in my life! 

So two days was enough for me to paint a picture of Vienna in my head. But I have yet to taste and to experience its culture and find its hidden secrets that I am sure the city is bound to have. I leave with a note in my book promising myself that I will come back if not only to watch a show. Maybe one day when my pockets have grown and my budget vanishes...